Thanks Angie. Now What?

Like so many people, I was surprised by the news of Angelina Jolie and her articulate and eloquent article sharing her decision to get a preventative double mastectomy and bringing light to the issue around the BRCA genetic mutation. 

I was filled with a wide range of thoughts and emotions after reading the article. Admittedly my first reaction, was that of empathy and gratitude. I felt connected with Angie (can I call her Angie)?  Then,  a slew of politically incorrect thoughts ran through my head:

• At least I am on trend (less the preventative piece)
• I wonder how many ccs she woke up with in her expanders? 

And then some very angry and irrational thoughts:

• What about the MILLIONS of women who were faced with the decision to take the test already diagnosed where it wasn't necessarily a choice?
• What about the women who don't have the gene, have breast cancer and fighting every single day without a single indication as to why this happened?
• Really - I was just beginning to forget about all this, now it's everywhere and I feel like I'm reliving it with each new headline.
• Re: men making ignorant comments on Facebook and other sites- Shut the F_CK up! UNFRIENDED

It is hard to describe what an incredibly difficult and personal decision to take the test is.  For me, it was after I was already diagnosed and it was less a choice and more necessary to inform the strategy for my treatment. But the emotional angst leading up to the test was perhaps the most challenging part.  

The build up alone requires you to reflect on family history and in turn those who are no longer with us which alone is heartbreaking.  Then the reality that the results impact not just you, but your entire family. If I tested positive, that would influence my sisters, cousins, and niece and their futures. It was a burden I felt too responsible to bear. I ultimately tested negative, but I know so many women who have tested positive, and as Angie describes, it is an empowered step that can inform women's future health. I also know many women who may fall within the described risk factors and have chosen not to take the test. They are living their lives being present and enjoying life. And for me, that is just as empowered and brave. 

But the most important thing to consider is NOW WHAT?  Hopefully people are getting useful information, but below are a few links that I feel provide women some very tangible steps:

1. Assess your risk - Bright Pink is a great organization that has a helpful risk assessment tool. If you don't fall within the risk factors, this particular test is not relevant to you. Regardless, speak to your doctor. 

2. Check your boobs - Hopefully this is a given, but self exams and mammograms are a must. I of course would advocate to start now - regardless of age (I am 38), particularly if any of the risk factors are relevant to you. At a minimum, it is good to get a baseline.

3. Empowering others - Supporting other women and organizations that support women's health is key. Planned Parenthood, Pink Ribbons Project, and Bright Pink are just a few organization s that help women who may not have access.  But explore in your community.

It has been an overwhelming week for me being flooded through media with this news while facing my own journey.  But I have to say, I feel such a global sense of connectedness with so many women right now - including Angie.  

Needless to say, the fact that she went public was extremely brave and brought a very articulate reality to the process and acknowledges how far medicine has come. The fact that we can wake up the next day from surgery still feeling like (or at least looking like) a woman is so important to share. She is so right on in saying what an empowered process it can be and the importance of being surrounded by love and support as key to that. 

But most importantly, she is using celebrity in a way to educate, empower and get a very important conversation going.  That alone  is to be celebrated. So from one sister to another - I am proud of you Angie.

We got this..

Don't Scratch The Itch?

Several months ago, I was having the loveliest conversation with a dear friend of mine who recently attended a yoga/meditation retreat.  She shared that the teacher/guru brought up a concept I thought was so tangible: "What happens if you don't scratch an itch?"

If you think about it, the opportunity to truly be present with an "itch" is an interesting one. The premise that if you scratch it, your reactive (ego) self is looking for a quick fix. But, what happens if we just let it be? Basically, I found that you can actually breathe yourself through an itch and just be present with it and it simply goes away or moves into another sensation.  At the time I thought it was so profound. That was of course, until I entered my journey with the "Big C" and realized that healing involves a lot of itches.

The body is amazing as it moves through the healing process, and often times the quicker the healing, the itchier you get.  So while I like to pride myself on being a miracle healer after my surgery, lets just say it was an itchy miracle.

And then of course, as I have entered my chemo journey, there is the head itch. They say that around Day 12-14 your hair will start to fall out and as the head prepares for this, there is a lot of itching.

The good thing about chemo is that it is very predictable and there are certain data points that are informal absolutes. So while I hear the doctors share specific details such as Day 3 you will really start to feel it (I did) and Day 7-10 your counts are lowest (will find out tomorrow), and then this head itch thing,  there is still a part of me that feels like I will defy these absolutes.

But, I am also learning that as my world is so unpredictable right now, it is these absolutes that I am actually becoming to appreciate and finding great comfort and guidance in.  Part of befriending my chemo I suppose.  I will say that there is simply no greater teacher than chemo in being present every single moment - and for this I am grateful.

I'm itchy just writing this, but breathing deeply and realizing that some itches are meant to be transcended, and some are simply meant to be scratched. So for now, I find myself  really appreciating that "TINGLER" head massager I received from a white elephant party while embracing the balance of present and future itches.

Dear Chemo...

Oh goodness, I'm nervous just writing to you. I've heard so many things about you and admittedly many of them not so good. Of all the challenges on my journey thus far, I have for sure had the most fear about meeting you.

But,  a funny thing I have learned about fear. If you meet it and just sit with it (vs. denying), it can often reveal the most poignant moment of surrender. A moment where we realize that it is our defenses or reactionary nature to a situation, person or experience that are often times our greatest enemy. And where we have a choice to release any pre-conceived notions and choose to jump into the unknown with love, grace, and a whole lot of faith as our guide.

And so with that acknowledgement, I have chosen to see you as a friend. A powerful friend for sure. Our friendship will be a collaborative one whereby I see you as a protector, helping to clear my body of any harmful wandering cells and together we will cleanse my body and ultimately work to recover and heal wholeheartedly.

I know in many ways you will be my greatest teacher offering gifts over the course of these next 6 months - some of which I know will be quite difficult. But, I am up for the challenge and I welcome you to my healing team. I know you bring many friends along the way to help support the work you will be doing, and I welcome them as well. I choose to see myself as strong, tolerant, energized, beautiful, fit, lean,  inspired, creative and engaging with the situations and people I love in my life. And I will welcome the quiet moments of rest, introspection, and many other unforeseen opportunities to connect with my spirit on an entirely new level.

Thank you in advance for being there for me. I welcome you with ease, love and light.

We got this..

With gratitude ~ Paige

Dream Teams

A couple of nights ago I had a dream.  While I pride myself on being a pretty vivid dreamer, this had a clarity to it and my recollection of it proved that a deeper message awaited me, and perhaps for us all. It went a little something like this. 

I was in room with one of my best friend's husband. All of a sudden several terrorists came in the room. They started injecting us with these drugs. I recall as the injection was going in of hearing about this cream that would make me immune. As I felt myself being susceptible to the drugs, all of a sudden my friend comes in and she has the cream. She quickly gathers her husband and myself and places the cream on us and tells us to "hurry, it's time to go." 

The next thing I know, we are in this little cafe. It was a cafe we used to go to all of the time in college. She was running around organizing, planning, and all over the place. Her husband was calmly just standing by with an assured smile on his face the entire time. I suddenly look over and see my dog Buck at the cafe. I was so confused but so glad to see him. He looked so precious all cuddled up.  Again my friend came up to me and told me that it was time to go. I looked at her confused and said, "but what about Buck, who is going to take care of him?" She smiled and confidently said, "I got it, come with me.  Our friend "Dave" is going to take care of him." I was confused yet again until I realized that in the midst of all this, my friend was trying to set me up - oy vey:-). Please note, this particular Dave was a friend of a friend whose name I knew via several college friends. Anyways, I went over to him and told him I was confused but if he just called my sister, she would get Buck. He said no problem, and then he starts sharing all of these stories from college and our friends and we are hysterically laughing. Next thing I know, my friend is pulling up in a car with her husband, opens the door and says, "we have to go back, but it is going to be ok, we got the cream."

And then I woke up. Luckily I had an appointment with my spiritual coach/therapist the next morning who so simply helped me interpret the powerful message. Coming from the perspective that everyone in your dream represents some aspect of yourself, it became clear that a blueprint was being created for me.

• My friend represented the mental part of myself that is organized, prepared, strategic, and responsible. (Note: this particular friend is over one year out from her own breast cancer diagnosis and treatment and has literally been my angel, guiding me throughout this process and so grateful for her:-)
• Her husband represented that spiritual grounding and presence I have within. Never saying a word, always there with confidence and assuredness that things are happening exactly as they should.
• Buck represented that vulnerable side of myself, making sure all of my emotional needs are being met.
• "Dave" represented the unforeseen gifts of mystery and joy that will arise the more I just let myself go.
• And the cream, well it took me some time to realize, but the cream is my healing spirit. There to protect me and help me to evolve to a new place.

After understanding this interpretation, I knew that my journey was not quite over, but I have the ultimate dream team within myself (and of course through all my family and friends:-) to get through whatever lies ahead. 

And so, in the midst of my own journey, I can't help but be impacted by the events of Boston with great sadness and a heavy heart. But as I watch the bravery of the first responders and the outpouring of love and concern on Facebook via Boston friends, I trust this momentary darkness will quickly be overshadowed with an overwhelming light filled with love, faith, generosity and resilience that is the trademark of such an unbelievable city. 

Regardless of any individual perspective or situation, what I know for sure is that each of us is being invited to to live with our hearts wide open, to have a faith in something greater than ourselves (however you wish to define that), and to realize we simply can't do it alone. We all have a dream team - perhaps it just takes a dream to remind us. 

Cozy Yellow Blanket

Growing up I remember this yellow electric blanket - literally you had to plug it in. It was warm and so cozy. My sisters and I would all huddle together under it on Saturday mornings while we watched cartoons (well for us, it was actually world wild wrestling) and wait for the cinnamon rolls to come out of the oven, at which point we would always fight over who got the center.  I usually ended up with it, not because I was the most articulate negotiator, but because I was the baby, and my sisters loved me so much.  So today, as I am surrounded by my sisters and parents, I am simply overwhelmed with all of the thoughts and prayers from my family, friends, friends of friends, family members of friends, co-workers, friends of co-workers and the many more people who have been sending me their thoughts and prayers for the weeks ahead. 

I literally feel enveloped in a cozy yellow blanket of love, light, ease, care, and grace that I know will cocoon me and my medical team throughout my healing process. And I welcome as much love and light that people want to send in whatever way the choose to send it. I am cozying up with this energy for a swift recovery that is full of joy and sacredness of the present moment of which quietude and being surrounded by those I love will be the greatest gifts. For if there is anything that this most recent phase of life has taught me, is that there is so much magic in the simple art of receiving and being present. 

Thank you to all of you for being my greatest teachers and supports. And especially to my parents, you are my rocks and my best friends and I could not do this with out you. Thanks for being at my side at every moment.  I am so proud of how we have all grown and embraced the transformation of this time and look forward to the many unexpected gifts I am sure await us all. 

Onward and upward to the next chapter. We got this..

Dear Boobs...

It feels like just yesterday when I was praying for your existence. As you know, I was a late bloomer, so I spent far too much of my teenage years in angst that you would never show up.  And much to my surprise as well as everyone else's, the summer following my sophomore year revealed you in all your glory.  I spent years trying to “minimize” your existence until my college years when I met a group of like-minded girls who as irony would have it were all well endowed as like me. We were named “The Rack” by the all too mature boys of our college years:-)

Through my twenties I began to connect with you in a more meaningful way. As I became more comfortable with my body, I found what I hope would be described as classy silhouettes to highlight you and enjoy the sensual aspects of your existence.  We have had many fun and important encounters over the years which makes this all the more difficult.

Luckily, I do not define my womanhood by your existence alone. I will not lie, my body is very important to me, and this will be the biggest challenge of my life thus far, to accept myself realizing the challenging journey ahead of me and the physical aftermath of which is still unknown. But what I know for sure, is that I have confidence in my body and trust this wisdom it brings. I realize that I am a combination of cells building an incredible immunity system based on millions of years of evolution, and my body knows exactly what to do to heal with ease and grace. My greatest job will simply to get out of the way and let it do it's thing.  I’m just sorry it will be at your expense.

Despite all of this being completely outside my control, I simply want to thank you. I know you have been doing everything in your power to maintain health, and that the cancer cells posed a great challenge for you. But I am grateful you have kept things as contained as possible. I have confidence in my doctors and using whatever medicine it takes to bring my body back to a healthy state and you can be officially relieved of your duty.

As I celebrate the good times we shared, I will also mourn many of the experiences we may never share, especially that of a child nursing, although many have tried:-). But while I will mourn this path not taken, I also embrace the infinite new possibilities of which I could never imagine that lie ahead of me.  While that specific moment may never be able to be re-created there are millions more that will have a great significance – this I am sure of. And so as we enter our final days together, I just want to thank you and honor you.  Please know, that while I may be a new perky “c” I recognize I will never be the same.  With love, gratitude, and admittedly great sadness, I let you go sweet boobies.  

Duality Reality

The concept of duality is nothing new. Yin and yang. Ebb and flow. Peaks and valleys. Giving and receiving. All metaphors that I thought I understood and were key to how I like to live my life, but which I am realizing on an entirely new level.

It is weird when the moments of reality seem to hit. One of my first low moments came when we were in between appointments in Houston, and decided to peruse William Sonoma looking for a new set of pots and pans. This would normally be an exciting time, but all I could focus on was the fact that the only reason I was there was because I would be “healing” for the next several months of my life, and my mother (and other caretakers:-) essentially would need new cooking ware to help take care of me. Please note, I am 38 years old, do not cook, and the only set of pots and pans I have are probably from college which alone, independent of cancer, is a dark moment.

Another frequent moment of when the darkness hits is ironically during road rage. Normally a tolerant driver, in the last few weeks I find myself literally yelling at people cutting me off or not allowing me to merge with traffic. On a few occasions I have actually yelled out – “Fuck you, I have cancer.” I did this once when my sister was in the car. And normally one to not balk at ANYTHING, I found her a bit shocked and slightly  embarrassed. Anyone who knows me, knows this is not typical behavior for me at all.  It makes no sense, but it feels almost outside of my control and admittedly cathartic which I figure I deserve.

Cancer is ironically the best teacher of being able to stay present. The rollercoaster of emotions, divulgence of information, and the massive life altering choices that need to be made are simply overwhelming when you look at them all at once, so the ability to stay focused and present is literally the name of the game. I can honestly say I have never felt more focused in my entire life. I am more productive in every moment, including the dark ones.  And what I know for sure is that every low is ultimately met with its opposite high. The highs also come in the most unexpected ways that produce a sense of love, gratitude, support and a profound faith that I can only describe as gifts from the universe.

So for now, I will continue to stay focused. Embracing the good moments for I know there will be infinite ones, and find tolerance and compassion for the dark ones. And as the universe is so eloquently challenging me, I am quickly learning that the duality of our lives lies in how we choose to embrace these moments. And the real gift lies in transcending this duality with surrender as our guide to lead us to that profound love, faith, light and healing that is ultimately defined as an all knowing presence, God, Universe, Woo – however you wish to define it.  It’s with us always – and in those cases we forget, we have the darkness to remind us of the light, the yin to inspire the yang,  the deep valleys to escalate us to the highest peaks, and the act of giving to pave the path to receiving. 

ps. My parents and sister are currently en route with the new pots and pans and I gotta say - feeling in the light!:-)