Thursday, October 24, 2013

What Just Happened?

I think I may have had a dream.
I remember it was Valentine's Day and something shocked me to my core. I cried. I remember trying to control, like I was captain of a ship. Lots of people around me were scared. I was scared.  I remember lots of information and being overwhelmed, and then something kicked in - a profound, mysterious, and unknown thing. The control faded and surrender kicked in.  
I think there was a hospital and some pain and discomfort. I remember the surprise smile on my Doctor's face when she looked at my chest and feeling relieved. I remember lots of people who I love, respect and care for surrounding me. I remember feeling worried and scared. And then again that same feeling appeared - that profound, mysterious and unknown thing. The self judgement and angst dissipated, my receiving muscled flexed, and love kicked in.  
I remember needles, lots of needles. I remember feeling nauseous and scared. I remember lots of bad TV, I mean REALLY bad TV (ie: Breaking Amish).  I remember heaviness in my body. I remember looks of worry and concern when people looked at me.  And then that same thing kicked in - that profound, mysterious, and unknown thing. Then laughter, friends and family, walking and doing pilates brought a new sense of joy.  And pancakes, I remember lots of pancakes.  
And then I remember a final needle prick, a celebration, a bell. A profound connection to the the deepest part of myself. A self comprised of love, forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, self-confidence, humility, massive humility. And a knowingness that I am forever changed, forever guided and protected, forever loved and loving, and forever reminded to always stay present to the moment. 

And then I woke up! Wide awake. Now what? 

The truth is I'm in a confused state where mentally I know I'm done with this phase, but physically I'm still feeling pretty crummy. Medically, I still have a bit of a road ahead with a new daily medication to be taken for the next 5-10 years and reconstructive surgery. 

So I believe the opportunity now is slowly stepping back into the world with the lessons of my treatment to inform the road of my recovery. I'll take it day by day. I'll pause with more purpose. I'll continue to nurture my body with what it desires in this new regeneration phase. I'll meditate. I'll embrace gratitude and presence when I'm with others. I'll look forward to experiencing more of myself. And I'll write the words that have been given as gifts  to remind me of something much greater than myself is at play - that profound, unknown, and mysterious thing that's been with me all along.


  1. Hi Paige! I was reading a few of your posts and just had a quick question about your blog. I was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance, thanks : )


  2. WOW! I feel like I am coming into the game in the 9th inning. I am going to go back and start reading your journey. For now, I wish you nothing but good health and strength. You are on the list of brave women who inspire me every single day to be better, do better, and make sure I suck up every second of every day. <3 Kelly