I remember it was Valentine's Day and something shocked me to my core. I cried. I remember trying to control, like I was captain of a ship. Lots of people around me were scared. I was scared. I remember lots of information and being overwhelmed, and then something kicked in - a profound, mysterious, and unknown thing. The control faded and surrender kicked in.
I think there was a hospital and some pain and discomfort. I remember the surprise smile on my Doctor's face when she looked at my chest and feeling relieved. I remember lots of people who I love, respect and care for surrounding me. I remember feeling worried and scared. And then again that same feeling appeared - that profound, mysterious and unknown thing. The self judgement and angst dissipated, my receiving muscled flexed, and love kicked in.
I remember needles, lots of needles. I remember feeling nauseous and scared. I remember lots of bad TV, I mean REALLY bad TV (ie: Breaking Amish). I remember heaviness in my body. I remember looks of worry and concern when people looked at me. And then that same thing kicked in - that profound, mysterious, and unknown thing. Then laughter, friends and family, walking and doing pilates brought a new sense of joy. And pancakes, I remember lots of pancakes.
And then I remember a final needle prick, a celebration, a bell. A profound connection to the the deepest part of myself. A self comprised of love, forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, self-confidence, humility, massive humility. And a knowingness that I am forever changed, forever guided and protected, forever loved and loving, and forever reminded to always stay present to the moment.