Cozy Yellow Blanket

Growing up I remember this yellow electric blanket - literally you had to plug it in. It was warm and so cozy. My sisters and I would all huddle together under it on Saturday mornings while we watched cartoons (well for us, it was actually world wild wrestling) and wait for the cinnamon rolls to come out of the oven, at which point we would always fight over who got the center.  I usually ended up with it, not because I was the most articulate negotiator, but because I was the baby, and my sisters loved me so much.  So today, as I am surrounded by my sisters and parents, I am simply overwhelmed with all of the thoughts and prayers from my family, friends, friends of friends, family members of friends, co-workers, friends of co-workers and the many more people who have been sending me their thoughts and prayers for the weeks ahead. 

I literally feel enveloped in a cozy yellow blanket of love, light, ease, care, and grace that I know will cocoon me and my medical team throughout my healing process. And I welcome as much love and light that people want to send in whatever way the choose to send it. I am cozying up with this energy for a swift recovery that is full of joy and sacredness of the present moment of which quietude and being surrounded by those I love will be the greatest gifts. For if there is anything that this most recent phase of life has taught me, is that there is so much magic in the simple art of receiving and being present. 

Thank you to all of you for being my greatest teachers and supports. And especially to my parents, you are my rocks and my best friends and I could not do this with out you. Thanks for being at my side at every moment.  I am so proud of how we have all grown and embraced the transformation of this time and look forward to the many unexpected gifts I am sure await us all. 

Onward and upward to the next chapter. We got this..

Dear Boobs...

It feels like just yesterday when I was praying for your existence. As you know, I was a late bloomer, so I spent far too much of my teenage years in angst that you would never show up.  And much to my surprise as well as everyone else's, the summer following my sophomore year revealed you in all your glory.  I spent years trying to “minimize” your existence until my college years when I met a group of like-minded girls who as irony would have it were all well endowed as like me. We were named “The Rack” by the all too mature boys of our college years:-)

Through my twenties I began to connect with you in a more meaningful way. As I became more comfortable with my body, I found what I hope would be described as classy silhouettes to highlight you and enjoy the sensual aspects of your existence.  We have had many fun and important encounters over the years which makes this all the more difficult.

Luckily, I do not define my womanhood by your existence alone. I will not lie, my body is very important to me, and this will be the biggest challenge of my life thus far, to accept myself realizing the challenging journey ahead of me and the physical aftermath of which is still unknown. But what I know for sure, is that I have confidence in my body and trust this wisdom it brings. I realize that I am a combination of cells building an incredible immunity system based on millions of years of evolution, and my body knows exactly what to do to heal with ease and grace. My greatest job will simply to get out of the way and let it do it's thing.  I’m just sorry it will be at your expense.

Despite all of this being completely outside my control, I simply want to thank you. I know you have been doing everything in your power to maintain health, and that the cancer cells posed a great challenge for you. But I am grateful you have kept things as contained as possible. I have confidence in my doctors and using whatever medicine it takes to bring my body back to a healthy state and you can be officially relieved of your duty.

As I celebrate the good times we shared, I will also mourn many of the experiences we may never share, especially that of a child nursing, although many have tried:-). But while I will mourn this path not taken, I also embrace the infinite new possibilities of which I could never imagine that lie ahead of me.  While that specific moment may never be able to be re-created there are millions more that will have a great significance – this I am sure of. And so as we enter our final days together, I just want to thank you and honor you.  Please know, that while I may be a new perky “c” I recognize I will never be the same.  With love, gratitude, and admittedly great sadness, I let you go sweet boobies.  

Duality Reality

The concept of duality is nothing new. Yin and yang. Ebb and flow. Peaks and valleys. Giving and receiving. All metaphors that I thought I understood and were key to how I like to live my life, but which I am realizing on an entirely new level.

It is weird when the moments of reality seem to hit. One of my first low moments came when we were in between appointments in Houston, and decided to peruse William Sonoma looking for a new set of pots and pans. This would normally be an exciting time, but all I could focus on was the fact that the only reason I was there was because I would be “healing” for the next several months of my life, and my mother (and other caretakers:-) essentially would need new cooking ware to help take care of me. Please note, I am 38 years old, do not cook, and the only set of pots and pans I have are probably from college which alone, independent of cancer, is a dark moment.

Another frequent moment of when the darkness hits is ironically during road rage. Normally a tolerant driver, in the last few weeks I find myself literally yelling at people cutting me off or not allowing me to merge with traffic. On a few occasions I have actually yelled out – “Fuck you, I have cancer.” I did this once when my sister was in the car. And normally one to not balk at ANYTHING, I found her a bit shocked and slightly  embarrassed. Anyone who knows me, knows this is not typical behavior for me at all.  It makes no sense, but it feels almost outside of my control and admittedly cathartic which I figure I deserve.

Cancer is ironically the best teacher of being able to stay present. The rollercoaster of emotions, divulgence of information, and the massive life altering choices that need to be made are simply overwhelming when you look at them all at once, so the ability to stay focused and present is literally the name of the game. I can honestly say I have never felt more focused in my entire life. I am more productive in every moment, including the dark ones.  And what I know for sure is that every low is ultimately met with its opposite high. The highs also come in the most unexpected ways that produce a sense of love, gratitude, support and a profound faith that I can only describe as gifts from the universe.

So for now, I will continue to stay focused. Embracing the good moments for I know there will be infinite ones, and find tolerance and compassion for the dark ones. And as the universe is so eloquently challenging me, I am quickly learning that the duality of our lives lies in how we choose to embrace these moments. And the real gift lies in transcending this duality with surrender as our guide to lead us to that profound love, faith, light and healing that is ultimately defined as an all knowing presence, God, Universe, Woo – however you wish to define it.  It’s with us always – and in those cases we forget, we have the darkness to remind us of the light, the yin to inspire the yang,  the deep valleys to escalate us to the highest peaks, and the act of giving to pave the path to receiving. 

ps. My parents and sister are currently en route with the new pots and pans and I gotta say - feeling in the light!:-)

What A Week!

Note: The following chronicles the first week from not knowing to knowing of my cancer diagnosis. Don't worry - no gloom and doom, just surreal, somewhat sarcastic, and sobering reality..

February 11 8:34 pm

I remember when I first noticed it. I was getting a massage by my hunky masseuse Moongoo, and found myself unable to get comfortable while lying on my stomach. It was an actual pressure, but I disregarded and forgot about it. I mean this was Moongoo, no time to complain.  A month later I had an energetic massage by my spiritual and psychic masseuse Deva.  I had the same sensation, only this time it was much more pronounced. But not wanting to break any trances, I disregarded.  I was already scheduled for my annual exam in a couple weeks and to be honest, I hadn't really thought of it. I mean, let me be clear, I am the poster child for health. I have been dairy free for almost 15 years (or as my people say, lactose intolerant). I haven't had red meat in over 20 years, although I have had a recent newly found love affair with bacon (just when I thought I was unique). I meditate 30 minutes a day, EVERY DAY (but am somewhat manic about it and get anxious if I miss it - realizing this may defeat the point). I do yoga at least twice a week (watching the clock most of the time, but appreciate the sweat and corpse pose at the end). I do enjoy a drink a couple of nights for week and an occasional talk with Herb Green. But as all my woo woo awareness, teaching and insight has taught me, none of that matters if you are consciously blocked. 

I've spent a good portion of my spiritual development focusing on a higher understanding of woo - however we wish to define it. From mind body medicine to mantra based meditation, I trust that all of these experiences are tools we have in our arsenal to embracing a deeper conscious awareness in our everyday life. 

As I reflect back on the early days of my spiritual evolution which kicked off right about the time of my Bat Mitvah, I see that I was in a desperate state to logically understand things outside of my control. While one would think it was this incredible experience of becoming a woman in the Jewish faith, it admittedly was around that time that I remember seeing a lifetime movie which chronicled a young woman with breast cancer. In the movie, she met a doctor who taught her the power of visualization and how that aided in her healing. I learned that the movie was based on a true story and that doctor was Dr. Bernie Segal. And so at age 13, when most girls my age were doing god knows what to Judy Blume's Are you There God, It's Me Margaret, I was reading Love, Medicine, and Miracles by Bernie Segal. I remember it having a deep impact at the time, but like most girls of that age, that impact lasted about a week.  

Only to be revisited several years later, when my Aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was a shocking moment in my family's history. Really the first "bad thing" I can remember experiencing in my somewhat sheltered life growing up Jewish in Oklahoma.  But it was the first time I learned of the urge to try and do whatever I could to help heal - really having no sense what that meant.  And so I became obsessed with trying to make sense of it all.

My really first deep dive came several years later post college with the discovery of Lousie Hay and her book YOU CAN HEALYOUR LIFE.  In it she provides a comprehensive list of ailments, the emotional cause and then a healing mantras. That book became my bible in my early twenties. Whenever someone had an ailment I was the first to point out their emotional blockages. In time I learned, that most people want to stay oblivious to this connection so I backed off. Although there were a select few that became as obsessed as I, and before the Internet had completely taken hold, I was the woo woo go to gal. From headaches to hemorroids, I would get calls from friends and family members interested not so much for the emotional cause, but more for the healing mantra. I won't mention any names, but you can imagine that with hemorroids, desperate times call for desperate measures.  It was manic, but meaningful, like so many things in my life at the time. But it also made so much sense. 

My journey quickly escalated.  My days in San Francisco and working weekly with a psychic acupuncturist named Nubbie had forever impacted the way I would experience healing. And after 5 years in the Bay Area, I quickly became a stereotypical ex dotcommer who moved from the Bay Area to Texas and became a pilates teacher.

I connected with pilates in a very profoud way while I was still in San Francisco. It was my first experiential practice of mind body connection.  When I first started doing pilates, I was commuting two hours a day to Silicon Valley. At that same time, another aunt of mine who I was also very close with was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It was yet again a tragic and illogical thing. We had just started the healing process of my Aunt Sandy who passed away 4 years prior. But when I did pilates, I recognized the release that was happening in my body.  Through Nubbie, I became aware of chakras, the energy centers in our body and the meaning of those chakras. I understood the connection between the deep core work of pilates and the second and third chakra personal empowerment, security, stability, flexibility.  And so when the dotcom bust occurred right around the time my Aunt Tricia passed, I fled the city hoping to escape the overwhelming grief that seemed impossible to face. 

I became certified in Pilates and opened a studio in Austin, Texas.  As a pilates teacher, I learned my love of teaching and healing. While our studio was targeted to stereotypical housewives in a Texas suburb, I connected with the women who I would have previously so easily judged and saw the gift of connecting to people as humans and that we all have struggles of self love and empowerment.

After 5 years with the studio,  my woo woo journey took pause. I focused less on the physical, and more on just living my life. Any healer or teacher will tell you, that it is easy to loose yourself. And in a way, I did just that. During this time however, I witnessed the passing of both my grandparents from cancer, one of my best friends who so inspiringly traveled the heroic journey of cancer survival, and the most recent passing of my uncle whose struggle was far to fast that I still am unsure I have comprehended.

So here we are, having seen the impossible struggles of cancer in so many ways, I now am faced in a completely unknown territory.  I have a lump.  I couldn't get in to get a mammogram for a week. And so I wait.  Like so many woman who I know experience this exact thing (I know this because I have googled and read far to many community boards).  And yet with all the things in my spiritual toolkit, I realize, there is nothing I can do, but love, have faith, and try and enjoy every moment.  I find myself giving this advice alot, and perhaps that is the lesson for this moment. Say it as much as you want, until you FEEL it for yourself, none of the practices in the world mean a goddamn thing.  

I recently finished a reiki session with a dear friend.  I asked her if she got any messages during our session.  I kept trying to talk to the lump and was getting nada, and she said it didn't feel tragic, but she was still confused. And then I said, it feels kinda funny. And with that we both started laughing.  So for now, that is what this is. A funny lump - that's all..

February 14, 8:32 pm

I have cancer. I knew it was something. I'm sure everyone has that surreal moment upon the learning of diagnosis. And I trust there are stages of these moments that are yet to come. But ironically, what I was more impacted today was as I was in the waiting room between my mamogram and ultrasound, is that a.) General Hospital is on the air and b.) it's like all the fucking same people from when I watched in high school. How do NONE of them age.  A manic next thought went immediately to my cousins wedding in March and this unbelievable Jason Wu dress I got (at a crazy discount:-).  Would I get to wear it? Would I have both boobs? Would I have my hair? And then it was the prick of the litacain that brought me swooping back into the moment and the reality. I have cancer.  Gotta throw out my soy milk. Let the journey begin. 

February 16, 8:08am 

Note: Letter to my sister and dear friend/healer Janie

Hello Healing Mamas.  Thanks for coming over last night.  So grateful for you both.

I started playing around with some visualization techniques last night thanks to both of your recommendation of something I can do now. I realized that it may be possible that I can actually aim to see if we can shrink the mass at all in the coming weeks leading to whatever surgery I decide on. So if you feel inspired in your healing and personal reiki sessions to send over some shrinkage energy, I think a goal of having it go down from 4.5-2.5 is what I am aiming for. Have no idea if realistic, but figure it can't hurt.  

Also, tried to go in and have a "talk" with the cancer and it was pretty funny. Basically it was like I was talking to a cancer foreman - he was kinda cartoon like, but dressed like a construction worker.  I asked why was he here, and he just looked at me realizing I knew exactly why he was here (I know because I had just read about it in Louise Hay - see below). Anyways, he didn't say anything to me, just smiled, but then he whistled and called off about half of his workers saying, let's go guys, this isn't as big of a job as we thought. He said he was leaving just a small maintenance crew and tipped his hat and wished me best of luck:-)

Thought you would both appreciate. Here is to embracing shrinkage...

ps. Louise Hay Meaning of Breast Mass in Left

Breast Emotional Issue: A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Overmothering. Over protection. Overbearing attitudes

Breast Healing Mantra: I am important, I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free. 

February 17 – 8:46 am
Note: Email to the family after reality has become to take hold

Hello family. Hope everyone is doing well. Really appreciate the love and support over the last few days. It still seems surreal and I know the next couple of weeks will likely be the most overwhelming with the influx of data that will be coming in. Knowing this, I have set up my alternative healing plan at a high level and articulated some initial guidelines I liked to share with everyone.

I get that this is my way of coping for now, and assure you I have had my breakdown moments and am not naive to what lies ahead, but I also think that this is a crazy ironic gift and I must be open to receiving whatever lessons I can, and I believe the plan below will help me and all of us to do this. Welcome to Team Woo!

Team Woo Alternative Plan (for Paige, but welcome to partake):

Everyday Regime

·       Mediation - 30 minutes at least 1, but ideally twice a day

·       Visualization -once a day on the actual mass focussing on shrinking mass

·       Energy Work - once a week/every two weeks

·       Talk Therapy - once a week (1:1, group, etc - all TBD)

·       Flowers - fresh flowers weekly

·       Accessories - stone, oils, house clearing, edible, etc (all TBD based on need)

Complementary Regime (to discuss with Dr. pending treatment plan)

·       Hypnotherapy

·       Nutrition

·       Reflexology

·       Acupuncture

Team Woo Guidelines: (recommended only, at the end of the day your journey)

1. This is a love journey - While shitty it is happening, I prefer to stay away from terms about fight, battle, or referring to treatments as poison. It is all healing energy and this is a love journey that the universe has invited each of us on. Not to say we can't have some attitude - afterall, this cancer chose the wrong fucking body..My goal is to be as present as possible with each step and try not to get to far ahead of myself. 

2. Reach out for Support - As we all know it is often the caretakers that this is hardest on. I hope everyone has embraced this is now as much a part of your journey as it is mine - I am just driving the bus. I need to know that everyone is taking care of themselves, but realize I need to let go and leave that up to each of you. Whatever feelings of fear, confusion, anger, resentment are coming up, please seek support - ideally outside the family. I will be planning on attending any support groups as well as a combination of traditional therapists. I'm not saying you should see a therapist, but I am sure there are support groups for families of cancer patients and encourage you to explore that (you get to be anonymous). Or at a minimum reach out to friends.

3.  Game Day Rituals - It is important to me that on the day of any meetings, treatments, or surgeries that everyone be as grounded as possible. For you it can be just taking a few deep breaths. I will be personally visualizing these experiences and sending light to the Doctors, Nurses, the Office staff etc. At whatever level this resonates, I want to invite them to be part of the love journey (whether they feel this or not). Also, it is important that everyone feel the best they can on these days. That can mean dressing super comfy, or it could mean dressing in full on glamour. Whatever the case, please treat yourself with total self love, empowerment, and compassion.  I will also be carrying pods at all times for those moments when I feel compelled to practice spontaneous gifting, and you should do the same:-)

4. One Day At A Time - I am not naive that this will be a long journey. But I want to be sure and celebrate the milestone of each step once we have an understanding of those steps. I am not sure what that looks like, but I believe this will be helpful in staying present to the process of healing. 

I love you all so much and am sure more guidelines will be added, but this is what immediately has come to mind. 

Love you all~ Paige

Spirituality Meets Consumerism

"Be yourself. Be confident. Believe in what you are saying. Let yourself out. People want to connect with you and your story. Have fun, entertain, educate."

By the looks of the above. you would think I had just spent the last 24 hours at some intense self-help retreat learning the latest mantras towards self enlightenment, but not so. I was actually at a training to be a future on-air guest of a leading shopping network. While I went in with an expectation to cultivate my inner pageant girl, I was enlightened to learn that a rehearsed method of selling points is not actually what sells, it is connection. Connection with your audience, your host and more importantly ourselves.

It's amazing how the universe will do whatever it takes to get us to "hear" the messages we need at exactly the time we need them. I mean, here I was at the vortex of consumerim being delivered a profound spiritual insight to add to my most recent lessons learned.

Proof I suppose, that just when we think we may have some semblance of control, we are actually just pawns in this spiritual game of life. Ironically frustrating and relieving at the same time - for it is a reminder that letting go is the most direct path to that connection within. And with that, I let go of my yet to be unleashed inner pageant girl and continue to rely on good ole' fashion CONNECTION from which authenticity reigns free.

Just a 2.0 Kinda Girl

Well in the spirit of the full moon, I am completely surrendering  - in pretty much EVERY aspect of my life.  I have unknowingly taken a 2 year hiatus from my beloved Sunshine Chronicles and have had an inner calling to start spewing the massive realizations that have been bestowed upon me over this last period of my personal journey (which frankly I could use a vacation - I am spiritually pooped!).  So when I awoke with the inspiration to revitalize, it seems the old blog has some weird login required that while can be cancelled seemed a sign to start fresh. And since I am a 2.0 kinda girl having now survived and thrived from multiple entrepreneurial rebirths, I thought only appropo to start my own metaphorical 2.0 to be reflected here.  To be honest, I have no particular goal beyond sharing my most authentic insights with the typical "sunshine" flare that serves as my greatest teacher.

So as the full moon tonight invites a complete release of the need to control and encourages a need to be with our own personal "tribes" just prior to the first night of Passover, I find myself especially reflective on the topic of freedom - "Let My People Go" - the historical battlecry of Passover. While my tribe members throughout the world will be celebrating with Seders of all kinds, I will be en route to Eden Prairie, Minnesota for "On-Air Guest" training which I will soon be sharing our latest and greatest products on a shopping network. As someone who spent her childhood watching infomercials (I still claim my father is the first consumer of any kind to purchase the Nordic Track 1.0 back in the 80s), this is an unlikely dream come true of which I would have never imagined for myself. And it is exactly these unexpected moments of stretching outside our comfort zones, that is a constant theme that has run rampant for me over the last two years. And while uncomfortable and at times painful, like any good stretch, it is the release of reaching beyond our limits of which we never knew existed and finding a new space within ourselves that results in a true unexpected freedom.

While I will no doubt miss some good ole' gefilte fish with a sentimental nagging to find the afikomen and open the door for Elijah, I will celebrating this newly discovered freedom that while at times overwhelming is admittedly a blessing of mass proportions.  And with that I sign off in true 2.0 Passover style with this genius video that raises perhaps the most profound question of all - What if God did have Facebook?